Miami, Florida—Through the ups and downs of raising three children, years of financial hardship, and all the stresses and turmoil of daily life, claims adjuster Arnold Smith has stayed true to his wife for 30 years, despite his most determined efforts to engage in sexual intercourse outside of wedlock.
“I could never be unfaithful to Helga,” said the 60-year-old Smith, who over the past four decades has unsuccessfully attempted extramarital relations with dozens of friends, acquaintances, work colleagues, and random strangers. “Sure, there have been some tough times, and we all have moments of doubt, but Helga is the woman I love.”
Added the man who has attempted to trade his wife in for the first willing female participant hundreds of times over, “Even I’m amazed by that sometimes.”
According to sources close to the couple, Smith has remained grudgingly loyal and devoted to his wife from the very beginning, failing time and again to cheat on his unsuspecting bride during their honeymoon together in Rio De Janeiro.
“I’ll never forget Brazil—the beaches, the stars, the amazing food and people,” said Smith, who, as his new wife lay sound asleep in bed, would routinely sneak out of their hotel room and try in vain to hit on the young busty cocktail waitress tending bar downstairs. “It was perfect. Pretty much almost perfect.”
Over the next decade, Smith remained faithful to his wife by default, repeatedly coming up short during his regular jaunts to singles clubs, at neighborhood key parties, and through the general freewheeling sexual bacchanalia of the 1970s.
“It was a crazy time and a lot of my friends didn’t think twice when it came to breaking the sacred bonds of marriage,” said Smith, who despite throwing himself at any available woman in his presence, completely failed to capitalize on his adulterous tendencies. “But not me. No sir.”
“Not even once,” Smith added with a heavy sigh.
Despite being left with no choice but to stay committed to his marriage, the reluctant husband and father admitted that being loyal wasn’t always so easy. With a growing family and increased tension at work, Smith said there were times when he could have taken comfort in the arms of another.
“Yes, there were moments when I found myself on the verge of the unthinkable,” said Smith, who once drove 300 miles to meet an old girlfriend from high school, only to be flatly rejected by the woman and have coffee thrown in his face. “Still, for one reason or another, I just couldn’t go through with it. And when it was all over, I could look myself in the mirror and say, ‘Forty-two years, and you’ve never been with anyone besides your wife.’ Forty-two goddamn years.”
Smith acknowledged that even in less troubling times he occasionally felt restless after four decades with the same partner. But whether he was being stood up by the woman who answered his personal ad, or unsuccessfully attempting to persuade his wife’s more attractive sister to visit a clothing-optional spa, Smith said that what mattered most was that he never once wavered.
“Heck, I’ve got eyes, and I’ll notice a pretty face just like anyone else,” said Smith, who at press time was still hoping to hear from a pancake house waitress he had given his business card to three weeks earlier. “But what can I say? There’s an ultimate line Arnold Smith just can’t cross. I’m not even sure I’d know how, to tell you the truth.”
For her part, Helga Smith said she had no doubt that, through it all, her husband has always been faithful.
“Maybe I’m naïve,” Helga said, “but I’ve known this man most of my life, and I just can’t imagine him cheating on me. Honestly, Arnie’s my little saint.”