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Stock, Crypto Analysts Confused, Frightened By Wild Boar Market

NEW YORK—Stock and Crypto analysts on Wall Street fled in terror after being spooked by the rare but deadly wild boar market that reared its head at the closing bell Monday. “I have no idea what to expect,” stock analyst Richard Dartner said. “This market is highly unpredictable—tusked and savage and covered with coarse, bristly hair. I didn’t know if I should buy, sell,  shoot or get eff outta here.” Dartner said he hopes his Bitcoin and stocks will soon perform again like they did weeks ago, when brokers were soothed by the graceful movements of a crow market.

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